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Hi! My name is Larry The Cable Guy! To make a long story long, I was born in the back of an El-Camino during a Foghat concert many years ago! My mother was normal mother just like anybodys. She cooked, cleaned, kissed us goodnight, and was an Elvis impersonator on weekends! She actually looked more like the girl that played "Ralph The Carpenter" on Green Acres than Elvis, but she loved Elvis and actually sounded a little like him when she sang "Teddy Bear". She never won a contest, however one time no one else showed up and she took 3rd. My father saw action in World War II, Korea, Vietnam, the Falklands, and a Wal-Mart in Jackson, Mississippi! He lost a leg in a car accident in 1986. He rolled over three times and wound up in a ditch, and that was just walking to the car! He's been sober ever since, and since he only has one leg, he's been working at a brewery making hops!

I grew up in a good Christian home, I love freedom, the United States of America, Miss September and making boobs out of Playdough! I do political social commentaries on radio stations throughout America. I started on a station in Tampa Bay and have been adding more stations every year! People ask me two questions. Number one, why are you called "The Cable Guy" and number two, how many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie roll center? Number one, I'm called Larry The Cable Guy cause my name's Larry and I used to install cable. Number two, forty five, unless your Rosie O'Donnell, then you just eat the stick all in one crunch.

I ran for president in '92, '96, and am currently running again. I also ran for state senate in Florida, but ran outa money at a strip club in Daytona Beach! I'm the only candidate that tells it like it is! I feel that if you don't address the problems with true talk, then nothing will ever get solved. Nowadays the candidates talk the talk, but when it comes to walkin the walk, they trip and stumble like Ray Charles in a pumpkin patch! I don't believe in solving problems by throwin money at them. I think political correct people are not solving problems but part of the problem and creating more!

I believe in less government and more state control! I believe people should take personal responsibility. I believe all the telletubbies are queer, not just the purple one! I believe in the right to bear arms! Not only against scumbag criminals, but also against a tyrannical government! I believe Mary-Ann was a better piece of ass than Ginger! I believe that we are gradually losing personal freedoms and that if this trend continues, we will be living in a world of corporate socialism! I believe in a strong military, the Dukes Of Hazzards, and that chicken fried steak and gravy taste better than a cheerleader on game day! (I apologize)

I believe the media stirs the fires of racism for ratings, and that they have sold there soul and this country out for their own gain! I believe Jesse Jackson, Janet Reno, Ted Turner, and the New Hollywood squares are all spawned from the Devil himself! I believe in free speech, especially 900 numbers! My fellow Americans, remember, the more we become dependent on government as mommy and daddy, the more government has you under their authority just like mommy and daddy! I believe in America, and I believe in the people that live in it.

That is my story and my beliefs. I'm not racist, I'm not hateful, and I'm not homophobic! I'm just a concerned commentator wondering what happened to the free America that my forefathers fought and died for! Git-R-Done and GOD BLESS MY FANS AND THIS COUNTRY!!

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